Bubbles in the Bath by Wynne D. Bottom
Stains on the Wall by Hoo Flung Dung. He’s a Chinaman.
Heard in the playground at age ten. Need I be more specific? There were others, some of which I heard and others they would not tell me because they said I was too innocent. I would like a complete list of them for posterity’s sake, and to make me laugh.
They say everyone has a book in them, with some maybe it should stay there. At least in written form. We write the story of our own lives, for better or worse.
The nub of the issue. I die, I face God.
God: What did you do with your life?
Me: Nothing much. This and that. Kissed girls, drank beer, gave good parties. Danced. Listened to music. Went out. Talked with people, known and unknown. Had friends. A lot of nothing.
God: So I see.
Me: If you know everything why ask me? Is this a case of out of their own mouths they are condemned?
God: Something like that. And to pass the time of day.
Me: Am I going to Heaven or Hell?
God: It’s a matter of choice. Which do you prefer?
Me: I don’t know. Irish people say they want to go to Hell, all their friends will be there. People say Heaven would be boring.
God: What do you think?
Me: Perfection can’t be boring.
God: Have you met perfection?
Me: I’m talking to you amn’t I?
God: In real life?
Me: What we laughingly call real life. If I haven’t then something very close to it. From time to time.
God: What do you want?
Me: The same only different. A little of what you fancy does you good. Me too.
God: What were you told at school?
Me: We are vehicles for the truth.
God: What did you think?
Me: I don’t know the truth. Maybe I will when I’m older.
God: What age were you?
Me: Not days. If you weren’t God I’d say don’t be stupid.
God: That wouldn’t be nice.
Me: Nice is fake good.
God: Now you’re talking.
Me: I thought the truth was something said in words.
God: What do you say now?
Me: It is done, not spoken. Words may be lies.
God: They often are. Too often. Words can be true.
Me: Words mean nothing if not put into action.
God: Did you follow that in your life?
Me: I wrote and spoke words. Often for fun. Shaw said if you want to write a comedy tell the truth. Nothing is funnier than the truth.
God: Do you love the truth?
Me: It’s the only thing.
God: If I send you to Hell will you convert others to your way of thinking?
Me: That’s the divil of a job.
God: I asked him but he was busy.
Me: I don’t know what to say.
God: I will put words in your mouth.
Me: Is this like being a Hindu, getting another go?
God: Keep going until you get it right.
Me: Is Hell eternal?
God: It could be. Maybe yes, maybe no. Not unless you want it to be.
Me: Why me?
God: That’s what they all say.
Me: I’ll have a go. I might as well be doing something as nothing.
God: That’s the spirit.
Me: Will I forget this?
God: Yes. You always do.
Me: Sorry to keep you waiting.
God: The man who made time made plenty of it. On the count of three, go. One, two, three.
Me: I’m gone.
After that brief digression back to unwritten books. Who will write a book to change the world? A friend asked that and said he knows it could not happen. Who believes in miracles? Some. Sorry to keep you waiting.
13th June, 2017