Client: I want to sue a man for debt.
Solicitor: Does he owe you money?
Solicitor: Have you got the details?
Client, producing paper: Here.
Solicitor: I will write him a letter.
Solicitor: So I can charge for it.
Client: What will it say?
Solicitor: Unless I receive the full amount from you within seven days I will have no option but to take legal action against you when you will become liable for the full amount plus costs.
Client: That’s not true.
Solicitor: What do you mean?
Client: You have another option. You could pay the debt yourself.
Solicitor: That would be unethical.
Client: If it goes to court what date will it be on? Will you be free?
Solicitor: I’m not free, I’m expensive.
Client: The law is open to everyone like the Ritz hotel.
Solicitor: We all have to live. Some of us very well.
Client: When will I hear from you?
Solicitor: In due course. We will allow the matter to resolve itself.
Client: Matters don’t resolve themselves, you have to resolve them.
Solicitor: My letter appeals to the good side of his nature if he has one.
Client: He is a white collar criminal.
Solicitor: Universal education leads to more white collar crime.
Client: That keeps you in business.
Solicitor: They usually get off.
Solicitor: They can afford good lawyers.
Client: If there was no crime there would be no need for lawyers.
Solicitor: We have a vested interest in criminality.
Client: You can say that again. What happens if the money comes in?
Solicitor: It goes into my client account.
Client: Won’t that tempt you?
Solicitor: I can resist anything except temptation.
Client: In a perfect world there would be no lawyers.
Solicitor: Who wants perfection?
Client: Certainly not you. Will I let myself out?
Solicitor: Use the door marked exit. The law is not about justice its about the law. The professions have mystique, that’s what you’re paying for.
Client: Don’t I know it. I’ll go before you lapse into Latin.
Solicitor: Veni vidi vici.
Client: Too late. I’m outa here. Arrivederci. (Exits, closing door. Solicitor rubs hands together. Curtain)
7th July, 2018