Category Archives: Bloodstain

Christ Talks

Passerby: Hi Christ. Someone said you are the son of God. What are you doing here?

Christ: I’m flogging bibles.

Passerby: They haven’t been written yet. Aren’t you being a bit premature?

Christ: A bit previous. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Passerby: I’ll put my name down for one.

Christ: Sign here. A first edition is a good investment. You could flog it at Sotheby’s.

Passerby: If I’m around that long. Is it readable?

Christ: It took ten years to write and would probably take the same amount of time to read.

Passerby: That’s very funny.

Christ: Not if you wrote the book.

Passerby: It will give people something to swear on and at and throw at people, anyway.

Christ: A best seller.

Passerby: And I thought you were just a waste of space.

Christ: Wait for the Hollywood epic.

Passerby: You’ve seen the film, now read the book.

Christ: Dance to the musical.

Passerby: You are a man before your time.

Christ: A man out of time.

Passerby: Whatever that means.

Christ: Gutenberg, thou should’st be living at this hour.

Passerby: I’ll wait for the audio version.

Christ: That’s me. Born before TV.

Passerby: If you had an air to that you could sing it.

Christ: I’ll be on my way.

Passerby: Mine too.

Christ: It’s a rocky road.

Passerby: You can say that again.

Christ: And again and again and again.

Passerby: Where does this road lead?

Christ: Where indeed.

Passerby: You’re a bit of a poet.

Christ: Don’t I know it.

Passerby: Sayonara, Japanese for goodbye.

Christ: Au revoir, until we meet again.

(Both figures depart. The End.)

Tich Ennis

26th July, 2018

 

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Nailed

Nail the Devil to a cross.

Is he any loss?

Do you give a toss?

Does rhetoric make you sick or do the trick?

Here comes the good guy in a white hat, that’s that.

Bad guys fall down, put on the thorny crown.

When you do I’ll follow you.

Should I be calm or give a damn?

Let’s not be cruel, let’s be kind screams the Devil as the nails go in, I’ve changed my mind.

Tough luck, too late, the biter bit.

How do you like it?

Don’t spit.

That’s it.

Or should we forget and forgive?

Live and let live?

What about you?

You too?

Tich Ennis

24th June, 2018

Abortion Test

19th May, 2018

Michael,

         Vote Yes in the abortion referendum if you plan to open an abortion clinic.   I once rang someone and asked did he wish he had been aborted? He asked did I ring him to ask him that. So he did not answer. He was not a politician, but might have been. I wanted to know where he stood.

         A man asks why do you always answer a question with another one? Answer: Do I?

         I told that to someone and he said he was a Kerryman.

         My brother and I plan on voting in opposite directions in the referendum, so our votes will cancel each other out. Our casting of votes will be abortive. I say I think the people will vote yes, we should have abortion here, not yes we should not. Unless people get mixed up.   You say you can’t be sure. You can be wise after the event.

         I have an ulterior motive in writing to you. I am writing in Word with the intention of copying and pasting into gmail because when I do it the other way around it comes out mixed up. Maybe it will work, maybe it wont.   I want to preserve my words for posteriority. Oops, posterity. I am running a few tests. This is not the real thing.

         Syllogism. Pedantry. Polemic. Onomatopeia. Homonym. Just a few words to cheer you up.

         So I have a hidden agenda after all.

         The operation was a success but the patient died. Maybe yes, maybe no. It’s a woman’s privilege to change her mind.   It seemed like a good idea at the time.

         Here goes nothing,

David

P.S.  It worked!

Tich Ennis

19th May, 2018

 

Left Right

If you go far enough left you come out on the right.

Good night.

Shut up and eat your bun.

We have a gun.

No fun.

Tich Ennis

13th April, 2018

Endgame

Have they thought about the endgame, those who play with fire?

We are in the war of words, will the flames rise higher?

After you have struck a blow, what happens next, do you know?

If you care, if you are sane, spare us all from fatal pain.

I don’t wish to be dramatic but let us not be fanatic.

When you know the future, let me know.

I know I don’t, this so-and-so.

Tich Ennis

11th April, 2018

News Torture

The news is like Chinese water torture, drip drip of lies murder and slaughter.

Tears from a daughter.

War of words of misery.

I’ll have a cup of tea.

Tich Ennis

26th March, 2018

The Troubles

The trouble with Ireland is all the hardworking, intelligent, energetic people emigrated. I stayed behind, draw your own conclusions.

Some people come to live in Ireland. What the Hell for? The weather? It takes all sorts to make a world. Once there were nothing but Irish people here or more or less, God was it boring. All the buildings falling down and all that sort of thing.

If you go to England you can meet Irish people, but why? Or Spain or America or wherever the Hell else. Avoid Irish pubs, they rip you off. Okay for one day, they will tell you the good places to go, somewhere else is a good idea.

So some Irish guy was in a pub in America going on and on about how wonderful Ireland is, the people, the music, the mountains, the scenery and so on and on and on. If its such a great little country why did you leave it, said his drinking companion.

We Irish love to talk. So a friend of mine was in a foreign country not very far away and he started talking to the man beside him.   The other man, who was not Irish, said you came here to drink, why do you want to talk? That question would not make sense in Ireland.

During the seventies the I.R.A. were bombing, shooting and murdering everyone, mostly each other. We called that the troubles. The second world war was called the emergency in Ireland. Do we ever call things what they are?   We were neutral during that war, but neutral on which side?

Come to Ireland, its better than nothing. It’ll do to be going on with. But don’t stay long, we might drive you mad.   If you’re not mad already.   Ireland is a state of mind, it exists only in the imagination. The imagination of a drunk God. We take after him. What are you having yourself?

I could go on and on, being Irish, but its closing time. Have you no homes to go to?   We have your money, you can go home now. A barman at closing time.   The long goodbye.

So some American came back from the toilet in a bar in Dublin. He said there’s no lock on the toilet door.   I never heard of anyone stealing a shit said the barman. That’s Ireland for you.   Me too.

I’m Irish, what do you expect?

Tich Ennis

22nd January, 2018