Doctor: What’s your complaint?
Patient: I’m Irish.
Doctor: That’s incurable.
Patient: Is it catching?
Doctor: It depends what you do in your spare time.
Patient: The man who made time made plenty of it.
Doctor: What’s that supposed to mean?
Patient: What it says on the tin.
Doctor: Take off your clothes.
Doctor: I want to take a look at you.
Patient: Don’t look while I undress.
Doctor: Tell me when to look.
Patient (undressed): You can look now.
Doctor: It’s a boy!
Patient: It’s well knowing you went to medical school.
Doctor: You didn’t need to take off your underpants.
Patient: I don’t wear underpants.
Doctor: Why not?
Patient: What you don’t know won’t hurt you.
Doctor: Everything that passes between me and you is subject to medical confidentiality.
Patient: That’s a load of bull. What about the freedom of information act?
Doctor: We’ll let that pass. You may make full disclosure.
Patient: I am naked.
Doctor: So I see.
Patient: I take my clothes off when it rains.
Patient: My skin is waterproof.
Doctor: What about sunshine?
Patient: You can have too much of a good thing.
Doctor: Well said. Would you like me to prescribe an antibiotic?
Patient: They don’t work because doctors prescribe too much of them.
Doctor: You have to feel you’re getting something for your money.
Patient: It isn’t all about feelings.
Doctor: It is.
Patient: I beg to differ.
Doctor: Doctors differ and patients die. What would you do if I told you you have six months to live?
Patient: I’d get a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re growing too fast for you height.
Patient: You stole that one. Call yourself a doctor!
Doctor: I am a doctor. See that certificate on the wall? Certified insane.
Patient: That’s not funny. I could be mad. Am I alright?
Doctor: Physically yes. Mentally I’m not sure.
Patient: Did Freud say its impossible to psychoanalyse an Irishman?
Doctor: That’s a myth but I can well believe it.
Patient: Can I dress now?
Doctor: Yes. I’ve had a good look.
Patient: There are seven orifices on the human body at the last count.
Doctor: Who’s the doctor around here? Did you go to medical school?
Patient: Don’t pull rank.
Doctor: You’ll feel better when you pay my fee.
Patient: I’m on a medical card.
Doctor: Then it doesn’t matter.
Patient: My symptoms disappear when I visit a doctor. Suddenly I’m well.
Doctor: It’s my bedside manner. I’m Irish too.
Doctor: That doesn’t mean I’m no good, a quack, anymore than you are.
Patient: I never said I could cure anything.
Doctor: I guarantee nothing. Your satisfaction is my guarantee.
Patient: God knows I’ve heard some rubbish in my time. You should be a politician.
Doctor: I have medical ethics.
Patient: You’ve got it bad and that ain’t good. Is there no cure for my condition?
Doctor: You could emigrate or take a holiday.
Patient: In Ireland? What good would that do?
Doctor: A change is as good as a rest. The same only different.
Patient: You’ve done me a power of good.
Doctor: It’s all in the mind.
Patient: I don’t mind.
Doctor: Mind how you go now. Watch yourself crossing the road. I don’t want to be left picking up the pieces.
Patient: Would a rub of the relic do me any good?
Doctor: Whatever you think yourself.
Patient: Should I go to Las Vegas or Lourdes?
Doctor: I have patients waiting. I can’t sit here all day talking to the likes of you.
Patient: One for a man, two for a horse.
Doctor: Quack quack.
Patient: Will my story have a happy ending?
Doctor: This is it. Next please!
Patient: I’ll remember you in my will. I’m broke.
Doctor: That’s life. Get used to it. Come back if you get worse.
Patient: Kill or cure. What can’t be cured love must be endured love.
Doctor: If you attempt to sing I’ll call the police and have you ejected.
Patient: I can take a hint. (Leaves, closing door behind him).
Doctor: Thank God that’s over!
Omniscient all-seeing Author: And so say all of us.
7th June, 2017