Medical Consultation

Doctor: What’s your complaint?

Patient: I’m Irish.

Doctor: That’s incurable.

Patient: Is it catching?

Doctor: It depends what you do in your spare time.

Patient: The man who made time made plenty of it.

Doctor: What’s that supposed to mean?

Patient: What it says on the tin.

Doctor: Take off your clothes.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: I want to take a look at you.

Patient: Don’t look while I undress.

Doctor: Tell me when to look.

Patient (undressed): You can look now.

Doctor: It’s a boy!

Patient: It’s well knowing you went to medical school.

Doctor: You didn’t need to take off your underpants.

Patient: I don’t wear underpants.

Doctor: Why not?

Patient: What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Doctor: Everything that passes between me and you is subject to medical confidentiality.

Patient: That’s a load of bull. What about the freedom of information act?

Doctor: We’ll let that pass. You may make full disclosure.

Patient: I am naked.

Doctor: So I see.

Patient: I take my clothes off when it rains.

Doctor: Why?

Patient: My skin is waterproof.

Doctor: What about sunshine?

Patient: You can have too much of a good thing.

Doctor: Well said. Would you like me to prescribe an antibiotic?

Patient: They don’t work because doctors prescribe too much of them.

Doctor: You have to feel you’re getting something for your money.

Patient: It isn’t all about feelings.

Doctor: It is.

Patient: I beg to differ.

Doctor: Doctors differ and patients die. What would you do if I told you you have six months to live?

Patient: I’d get a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re growing too fast for you height.

Patient: You stole that one. Call yourself a doctor!

Doctor: I am a doctor. See that certificate on the wall? Certified insane.

Patient: That’s not funny. I could be mad. Am I alright?

Doctor: Physically yes. Mentally I’m not sure.

Patient: Did Freud say its impossible to psychoanalyse an Irishman?

Doctor: That’s a myth but I can well believe it.

Patient: Can I dress now?

Doctor: Yes. I’ve had a good look.

Patient: There are seven orifices on the human body at the last count.

Doctor: Who’s the doctor around here? Did you go to medical school?

Patient: Don’t pull rank.

Doctor: You’ll feel better when you pay my fee.

Patient: I’m on a medical card.

Doctor: Then it doesn’t matter.

Patient: My symptoms disappear when I visit a doctor. Suddenly I’m well.

Doctor: It’s my bedside manner. I’m Irish too.

Patient: What!

Doctor: That doesn’t mean I’m no good, a quack, anymore than you are.

Patient: I never said I could cure anything.

Doctor: I guarantee nothing. Your satisfaction is my guarantee.

Patient: God knows I’ve heard some rubbish in my time. You should be a politician.

Doctor: I have medical ethics.

Patient: You’ve got it bad and that ain’t good. Is there no cure for my condition?

Doctor: You could emigrate or take a holiday.

Patient: In Ireland? What good would that do?

Doctor: A change is as good as a rest. The same only different.

Patient: You’ve done me a power of good.

Doctor: It’s all in the mind.

Patient: I don’t mind.

Doctor: Mind how you go now. Watch yourself crossing the road. I don’t want to be left picking up the pieces.

Patient: Would a rub of the relic do me any good?

Doctor: Whatever you think yourself.

Patient: Should I go to Las Vegas or Lourdes?

Doctor: I have patients waiting. I can’t sit here all day talking to the likes of you.

Patient: One for a man, two for a horse.

Doctor: Quack quack.

Patient: Will my story have a happy ending?

Doctor: This is it. Next please!

Patient: I’ll remember you in my will. I’m broke.

Doctor: That’s life. Get used to it. Come back if you get worse.

Patient: Kill or cure. What can’t be cured love must be endured love.

Doctor: If you attempt to sing I’ll call the police and have you ejected.

Patient: I can take a hint. (Leaves, closing door behind him).

Doctor: Thank God that’s over!

Omniscient all-seeing Author: And so say all of us.

Tich Ennis

7th June, 2017

 

 

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