I don’t know if I should write this, but I will.
Me: I live on a hill overlooking the valley and everyone thinks I’m a respectable gentleman. But at night I come down and prey on defenceless virgins and have my way with them. Then I return to my lair. Did you know that?
Me: If the local newspaper wrote a story saying many nubile girls have disappeared without trace since I came to live in the area and that an angry mob of villagers came to my house brandishing flaming torches shouting give us back our daughters and I, standing on the balcony, said begone, ye rabble! I was educated at the Sorbonne and M.I.T. and Harvard, what would I want with your mangy daughters and threw them a few sovereigns and they skulked back to their hovels, should I sue for libel? Would I win?
He: Yes. You would.
Me: I would like to be judge and jury and prosecuting counsel and defence attorney in my own case.
He: You have imagination.
Me: I am Irish. The Irish have imagination. They imagine a person is talking about something they are not talking about.
He: They always do that.
Me: The judge would ask why were the bodies of these maidens discovered in the pit at Conary since you moved to the area?
I would say, its inexplicable. So are many things.
Judge: Such as?
Me: Why are we here, what is the origin of the universe, what is meaning?
Judge: Ask Socrates.
Me: He’s dead.
Judge: Who killed him?
Me: The state.
Judge: What state?
Me: The state we’re in.
Judge: How do you account for the fact that these girls’ bodies had your family crest branded into their flesh?
Me: See my previous answer. I cannot explain the inexplicable.
Judge: Are you guilty or not guilty of this or any offence?
Me: As innocent as the untrodden snow.
Judge: Don’t prevaricate.
Me: Don’t use big words.
Judge: Do you plead ignorance?
Me: What do you mean?
Judge: Why do you ask?
Me: Are you a Kerryman? Why do you answer every question with another question?
Judge: Do I?
Me: Answer my question.
Judge: I was born on the Ring of Kerry. The ambulance couldn’t make it in time.
Me: Was it a breech birth?
Judge: That’s a personal question.
You made a statement consisting of these words, this statement is a lie. Is that statement true or false?
Me: That is impossible to answer.
I’ll make you an offer. Find in my favour and award me damages and I’ll go fifty-fifty with you.
Judge: Done. I find in favour of the complainant and award two hundred thousand pounds damages. He leaves without a stain on his character.
Me: Virgo intacta.
17th January, 2017